The Haunted Forest

A few years ago, I was dating a guy that came up with what he thought was a really great idea for Halloween.  He lived near a giant corn field that at Halloween time was transformed into “The Haunted Forest”.  It was out in the middle of nowhere in rural Timbuktu.  Inside this “forest” the entire area had been transformed into the scariest, most terrifying trip through hell I have ever taken.

First of all the “corn field” was pitch dark at night.  There was very little lighting around, just enough to help you figure out where the path was.  It was deadly quiet, except for the screams of other dumb people that were traipsing their way along through this horror-fest.  I started to get nervous, but then realized that this was supposed to be fun, and I was trying to be a good sport, and mostly a good date.  I knew I was going to embarrass myself but I was really starting to freak out and get scared.

The guy I was with already had a huge grin on his face, I am certain he must have known how terrified I must be getting.  The ambience of this place was really very scary.  As we meandered along in the dark, every turn there was a ghoul, monster or bloody nightmare awaiting us.  Of course, these creatures only popped out at the most unexpected times and I just couldn’t stop screaming.  I truly hated every moment of this experience.   The coup de grace was when after going around a grouping of trees something came bounding down from inside the tree right in front of our faces.  It was a bloody Santa Claus with a noose around his neck and his eyes rolled back into his head.  I nearly fainted.  That was it!  I needed to get out of this “Haunted Forest”.  I screamed and screamed and nearly started to cry.

My date was completely opportunistic in his circumstances.  He was giggling every time I would let out a wail.  He thought my terror was hilarious!  That was really frustrating!  I held onto him for dear life, which I am sure must have been his intent, and when the whole ordeal was finished, I threw myself into his arms and almost cried with relief.  I was so happy to be out of there, and swore on my life that I would never return to that place.

I am sticking with Halloween parties and trick or treating from now on.  No more Haunted houses, Haunted Forests or Spook alleys for me.  On second thought, if I get a date with that hot guitarist from that band I saw last weekend, now he might, just maybe, make it worth it!

Halloween Safety Tips

Okay, I’m a safety gal.  When it comes to Halloween, nothing can kill the fun faster than an unforeseen mishap.  With lots of kids running around in the dark in long costumes and masks, it can be a recipe for disaster if you don’t mind your P’s and Q’s.

Halloween is one of my kid’s favorite holidays.  Here are some pointers to make your Halloween safe as well as fun.  All these tips have been MOM-tested by ME!

1. Make sure your child’s costume fits properly and is not dragging all over the ground.  You don’t want it long enough to trip on—especially in the dark!  Hem it if necessary!
2. If “MAKE-UP” will work with your child’s costume, encourage them to use that instead of a mask.  They will be able to see much better and it won’t be as hot and sweaty.
3. Make sure you child EATS something healthy before they go out trick or treating.  If they go out hungry they will be tempted to nibble on candy that you haven’t had a chance to check, or they will just eat way too much.
4. Take a flashlight!  You can’t always count on everyone to have their entryway’s properly lit, and you don’t want to miss a step and trip and fall.  Flashlights also help to make sure your child is SEEN out there.  Make it fun to carry!  You can find flashlights in all sorts of Halloween themes.
5. Make sure your child is aware that even though it is Halloween, people still need to use the roadways for driving and it may be hard to see kids in dark costumes.  Neon bands or other “lit” accessories would be a great idea to enhance your child’s visibility.
6. Walk…don’t run while trick or treating.  I have seen kids every year trip and wipe out on the sidewalk and skin up their knees while their candy ends up everywhere.  Avoid this by WALKING!
7. Don’t cross the street in-between parked cars as this prevents cars from seeing you coming.
8. Approach only homes that have lights on-if the house is dark, skip it.
9. NEVER ENTER ANYONE’S HOUSE that you do not know to accept a treat.
10. If your older kids are going trick or treating alone, make sure they know how to reach you in case of an emergency and KNOW which neighborhoods they are trekking in.
11. Obviously go through your child’s candy before they eat it and throw away anything unwrapped or suspicious.
12. Make the outside of your home inviting and light the way for trick-or-treater’s.  You can find really cool blinking lights to put inside your Jack O’ Lantern’s so you don’t have to light them with candles.  This is much safer for everyone.
13. If you are going to a grown-up party be sure to assign someone to be the designated driver.  Use extra caution when driving on the roadways on Halloween, as kids will be out in full force and they may not be watching for you.  Drive slowly and cautiously particularly in residential neighborhoods.

Halloween is a great time to dress up and have fun with your kids.  With a little bit of planning your Halloween can be both enjoyable and mishap-free.  Have fun, and be safe!

Super Girl To The Rescue

It’s been a long, hectic week. You have been Super Girl at the office, accomplishing miraculous amounts of work and making your boss look good. At home, you have made sure that everyone got to every appointment, game, and event on time, while putting Martha to shame with your cooking and housekeeping prowess. Now, it’s the weekend, and the kids are off to visit the Grandparents. It’s your time.

One long, hot, fragrant bubble bath later, you are feeling like the vibrant, sexy, female animal that you are. You slip into that special bit of lace and satin…or leather and laces…that you know will turn his knees to jelly. Is that enough? Do you need just a little something to spice it up, give it sparkle, or add to the mystery that is you? The answer, of course, is Costume Accessories!

There are just certain things that a girl needs, in addition to her silkies. Some will be purely decorative, and some will be interactive. We like interactive!

An essential element of your intimate arsenal is hosiery. Consider, for a moment, how you put on and take off your panty hose every day. Not an attractive routine, to my way of thinking. In my opinion, every woman should wear stockings. It’s a sensual delight to put them on, and a pure fantasy to allow him to take them off.

Other important additions to your accessory drawer, are gloves. Long sleek satin gloves in elbow or opera length, slick, shiny vinyl or leather gloves, lace or fishnet, full hand or fingerless; they all share that very attractive quality of just waiting to be peeled from your body.

Don’t forget to include other fun, flirty or sensual accessories in your collection, like fans, in feathers or silk, a long, slinky boa, garters, those frothy bits of lace and ribbon that emphasize the length and shapeliness of your leg, a feather duster, to…well, use your imagination for that one. Experiment, too, with those items that might elicit a different sort of response, like riding crops, restraints and blindfolds.

Lastly, don’t forget that your jewelry can be very sensual. Consider the effects of walking into the bedroom, perfumed and powdered, with several long ropes of pearls looped around your throat, and a pair of marabou mules. Just that. If that doesn’t make him drop the remote, nothing ever will!

The Night at the Museum

As a parent, I am so grateful that there is at least one family film this year that I am excited to take my children to see. The new Night at the Museum movie has brought to life some of my favorite historical characters. And in such a fun way!

My 10 year old son, who has never shown any interest in anything other than his Nintendo Wii, is suddenly reading a biography about General Custer!  I never thought I’d see the day when he would ask if I would take him to the museum to look at the Egyptian exhibits.  When I was a child I loved the dusty lonely feel in the museum, surrounded by all that history. But it’s a different generation now. Full of action and video games. How can an old mummy or a Wild West diorama hope to compete with Alien destruction and evil wizards?

But my little girl now wants to learn more about Sacajawea and Napoleon ( at 6 years old I think she identifies with his lust for world domination). She’s even thinking about being Amelia Earhart for Halloween.  I think it’s fantastic that she’s found 2 real female role models to look up to and I can feel good about her learning more about them, unlike some popstars of late.

This movie has helped me to open doors to my children that I never expected.  They both want to know more about monkeys going to space! The thought of a monkey in a little astronaut suit just makes them giggle senselessly. My son has even been talking about becoming an archaeologist so that he can have adventures and bring new discoveries to the world.

They have both taken much more interest in their schoolwork since we took them to see the movie. They are seeing the draw now of how much fun knowing about our history can be. This great big world has so much to teach us about life. A lot of that can be learned by taking a look at our past.

When our past and our present can learn to live together productively, we are taking great steps to live a very fruitful future.

Masks: We All Wear Them

Today I saw a child in the store wearing a surgical mask. I’m assuming the mask was to protect her from the germs of the outside world and was likely being worn because her immune system is low and unable to fight off attacks from the outside world.  In passing her I thought of the masks that I put on to protect myself from the outside world, especially when my heart is broken.  I was reminded of a time when I had let down my guard and removed all my masks to become completely vulnerable, how badly that ended, and how a certain layer of masking is required for my sanity.

In school I was always voted biggest smile, and my teachers and friends would often ask how I could be happy all the time. My smile is my biggest mask. There were times when I wanted to explain to them that I wasn’t happy all the time but as long as I was smiling at everyone I was OK.  I constantly have to convince myself that I’m OK.  In reality, I was very self conscious and insecure in school.  I strive to make everyone around me happy.  Academics always came easy to me and although I made straight A’s I would pretend that I didn’t understand all the time so that my peers wouldn’t think I was too smart.  My single mom always struggled with money and I had to get a job at a very young age, but I convinced my wealthy and spoiled friends that I just liked to work to get out of the house.  Not only were my friends wealthy compared to me they were also thin, beautiful, and popular.  I never saw myself as being as good as them, but I wore a mask that helped me fit in and convinced everyone that I was just like them.

My mother always told me that I was blessed because I could fit in with any crowd.  She said that she envied the way I could rub noses with the wealthy or go fishing with the town drunk and people of all walks of life respected and adored me.  I’ve realized that this social skill is both a gift and a curse.   During my first year of college I began to notice how extremely and frequently I changed my masks around different groups of people and how dramatically my personality changed to adapt to different situations.  I began to feel that I had somehow lost my identity within the shamble of masks that I used to please other people. I felt very confused about who I really was.   For the first time in my life, I started to search my soul and wanted to find myself.  I began to learn more about myself and I started to let other select people see the person I had found to be the real me.

I married my high school sweetheart when I was 20 years old, and he was the one person that I trusted with my life and never concealed anything from.   He was the only person that I would show any vulnerability to. Unfortunately, after 5 years of marriage and when I was 5 months pregnant my husband left me for my best friend.  I learned quickly that being completely open can cause more pain than it’s worth. I think that people have to find some sort of happy medium when it comes to masking or guarding themselves from the evil of the outside world.  I never want to be a bitter person who puts up a huge wall and never lets anyone in; however, I’ve learned that as a single mother it is important for me to guard my heart to a certain degree and be very careful about the people that I take off my masks for.

If I Won the Lottery . . .

I was asked the other day what I would do if I won the lottery, and my friends were surprised at my detailed response.  I thought that everyone dreamed of winning the lottery, and would have a well thought out plan of what they would do with the money; however, my friends acted as though the thought never crossed their minds.

If I were to win the lottery (which is highly unlikely considering I don’t play the lottery), I would take the lump sum check for whatever amount and start by paying off all my debts and the debts of my immediate family.  Then, all the remaining money I would invest in my dream business venture called A Place for All Seasons.  This would be a daycare center joined with an assisted living center to create an environment that would be beneficial to the elderly residents as well as the children who attend the daycare. The daycare center would have its own building and the assisted living apartments would be separate, but the area in the middle would include a common dining facility and recreational facility. I dream of having a shared area for exercise, learning, crafts, and small animals where the residents and the children can spend time together and in essence teach and learn from eachother. I think the children and the elderly would have a very positive impact on each other, and at this time the baby boomers are taking care of both their parents and their children at this time.   Once the facility is established, the demand for the service will always be there and the business could be self sufficient in terms of funding and would likely make a large profit. Of course, I would just work at the facility and receive a salary from the business to sustain my rather modest and happy lifestyle.

I have an exciting dream of one Halloween where the children and the elderly residents work together to decorate a haunted house at the center.  Everyone would be required to wear a costume and the community would be invited to participate.  In my dream the elderly residents would help the children trick or treat throughout the facility and the community bringing family and friends together.

Orange Barrels, Orange Cones … and Orange Safety Vests?

What happened to the good old days when you could hop in your car and drive forever without seeing one orange barrel or one “road work ahead” sign?  Today those signs pop up everywhere and instantly you’re wedged in between a semi truck and a concrete barrier wall turning your nice little drive into a trip from hell.  By the time you get through all the lane narrowing, right/left shoulder closed, detour ahead and the idiots riding your tail, your heart is beating a mile a minute and you literally have to peel your hands off the steering wheel!

Welcome to spring and summer road construction season!  It’s that time of year again for the “orange invasion.” Orange cones, orange barrels and don’t forget the stylish orange safety vest apparel worn by the highway crews.  To add to the mess, spring and summer are the busiest times on the roadways.  Spring break is a popular time for college students to hit the open road for warmer destinations and summer has families flocking to their summer destinations.

This year with the economy the way it is and gas prices lower, more and more families are taking road trips instead of flying to save money.  My husband and I (being one of those families) decided to take the kids to Florida for their ten day spring break this year.  We figured since we’re going to be there that long it would be nice to have our own car to use.

From our home in Kentucky to Ft Myers, Florida it’s approximately a 16 hour drive.  However that’s without road construction!   We had planned to drive it in one day, but the “orange invasion” had a different idea.  After sitting in hours of slowed traffic in Kentucky, Tennessee and northern Georgia (not even hitting Atlanta yet) we decided to call it a day, get a hotel room and start off early the next morning.  The next day started off with a barrel-free drive through Atlanta, Georgia in the HOV – High Occupancy Vehicle lane (best thing since sliced bread).  After that it was pretty much downhill from there with more lane closures and “extreme delay” signs through Georgia and Florida.  However, we made it there in one piece and got to enjoy some beautiful days at the beach so it was all worth it!  But next time we’re definitely flying!

As much as we drivers hate all the orange barrels and road construction you’ve got to hand it to the highway work crews.  It’s a dangerous job and unfortunately you still have these idiot drivers that can’t read or understand what “slow down” means and they go flying through talking away on their cell phone at 80 mph.  For highway crews, safety is their number one priority.  You’ll notice their safety workwear always consists of high visibility safety vests and hard hats as well as steel-toed boots and non-slip gloves.

So next time you’re driving in your car and see those orange barrels signaling a highway work zone (and believe me you will), take a deep breath, slow down and show a little respect for the men and women who are out there making a living.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

I’m sure anyone who has had a husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend cheat on them has heard the age old saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”  But is it really true?  In my opinion, I’d have to say no, it’s not always the case.  Same with “The grass is always greener on the other side.”  Believe me, I know that one’s not true!

Case in point; my girlfriend found out her husband had cheated on her during a rocky stretch in their 10 year marriage.  To get him back she had an affair with a guy from work.  After all was said and done they’re still together, have worked through it and are happier now than they’ve ever been.  Now let me take you back about a year when all this started…

As with a lot of marriages they hit a spot where they were just living day to day, taking care of the kids, the bills, the house; everything but each other.  It wasn’t as if they purposely set out not to be there for one another, without even realizing it that’s just what happened.  The physical part of their relationship was non-existent because by the time they went to bed at night, one or the other was too tired or just not in the mood.  Some men show their love through the physical side of sex but to most women the emotional side is just as important, if not more.  If you don’t have both in a marriage it’s not going to work.

While away on business my girlfriend’s husband met a girl at the hotel bar that was showering him with attention (whatever) and before he knew it they were heading up to his room.  Upon returning home his guilty conscience got the best of him and he told her what he’d done crying and apologizing the whole time.  She couldn’t bring herself to kick him out, but instead of being sad and upset she was mad as hell.  To her the only way to get past what he did was to let him know what it felt like.  So she had a one-night affair with a friend of a friend.  Of course (and I could have told her this) she felt worse after she did it instead of feeling the justice she was looking for.  After all the smoke clears the air, in some cases such as cheating spouses, revenge is never a good option!

After many long friend to friend, mother to mother, wife to wife talks she decided to give the physical side of the relationship with her husband a little “extra” care with a few ideas to rekindle the romance:

1.  Date night – It opens the line of communication between you and your husband.  Even if all you talk about are the kids, then that’s fine.   At least you’re talking!  This gives the guy a chance to dish out a little of that “emotional” love the women crave.  Make sure to pencil in a date night for once a week or once a month on your calendar.  And ladies, wear something sexy under that little black dress – this will help with the physical side!

2.  Massage night – Light candles in your bedroom and give each other a full body massage.  There are all kinds of massage oils on the market today that are made just for this.  Use your imagination and pull out all the stops.  Believe me this is a great stress reducer!  And ladies, start off wearing something very sexy.  If things go as planned, you won’t have it on long.

3.  Get a room night – Plan a night that you can stay out all night and get a room with your husband.  It can be a surprise but personally I always like it when we both know when it will be because it adds to the excitement and anticipation.  Reserve the room on a Monday so that it gives you both something to look forward to all week.

After months of opening up and really listening to each other (plus they’ve used a couple of the helpful hints above), my girlfriend and her husband are happier than ever.  Now I know it’s not like this in every cheating case, but when a person cheats there’s usually a bigger underlying reason for it.  Sometimes couples can work through that hurt to come out a better person on the other side, sometimes they can’t.  But I truly believe that “Once a cheater, always a cheater” can’t be held to heart in every relationship.

Week-End Getaway | The Lakes Have It

Every year my girlfriends and I take a long weekend trip together.  We’ve been doing it for ten years now and for the past four years we’ve gone to different lake destinations in and around Kentucky and Tennessee.  A few of my favorites are Lake Cumberland, Dale Hollow Lake and Norris Lake.  These are all beautiful lakes with so much to see and do.  Lake trips are the perfect getaway if you want to relax, unwind and spend some quality time with friends.

The trip is always planned for the same weekend every year and when we first started our little girl trip it was just a Saturday, Sunday getaway.  Well, over the years we’ve added on a day here a day there and last year we ended up going Thursday thru Tuesday.  This year we’ve decided once again to add on one more day making our trip Thursday thru Wednesday.  We can’t help but add on a day because the weekend goes by way too quickly.  Like most vacations, you plan for it all year and can’t wait for the day you leave and before you know it, it’s over and you’re back to the day to day routine of your life.

Our girl trip is comprised of a group of six of us that have been friends since we were in first grade.  Can you imagine?  As we get older (of course I’m not going to tell you how old), it seems the time we spend together on our annual “girl trip” becomes more and more important.  The years slip by so quickly and a lot of things can change in a year, good and bad.  True friendship doesn’t come along everyday and if you’re lucky enough as I am to have life long friends, you cherish your time with them.

On past lake trips we’ve always rented a house or cabin on the lake. However, last year we decided to rough it with a weekend of camping.  It all sounded like so much fun and a couple of girls were avid campers with their families so I thought what the heck, let’s do it.  I decided to pick up a few necessities for our camping adventure (as I liked to call it).  A tent, an air mattress (I’m not a sleeping bag girl) and bug spray were high on my list of items I had to have; since I’ve never camped before I wasn’t sure what to expect.

The first night was great!  We spent all day on the lake floating around on rafts and then sat around the fire all night catching up on what was happening in each other’s lives.  The weather was perfect, stars were out and not a cloud in the sky.  And because of that we weren’t expecting the raging downpour of rain that greeted us that next morning!  It was actually kind of fun at first.  We all gathered in one tent eating leftover smores and gossiping like school girls.  But after a couple hours with no end in sight of the rain stopping any time soon we decided to cut our losses and make a run for the main cabins.  It rained for two straight days!

We still had a great time just being together but I did learn a very important thing about camping.  Next time I plan a camping trip the items high on my list will have one very important thing in common, waterproof!  I’ll be sure to bring my waterproof raincoat, my waterproof boots, my waterproof hat, gloves, socks and even a waterproof duffle bag to carry everything in.  Of course it probably won’t rain a drop, but you can bet I’ll be ready!

Life On The Farm As One of the Guys

The Back 40

Having grown up on a farm as the only girl with five older brothers I’ve seen my share of tractor pulls, county fairs, truck tugs and cow tipping to pretty much last me a lifetime.  Be that as it may, I wouldn’t change a thing.  I loved every minute of it; well almost every minute of it!

Being the only girl in the family definitely had its advantages.  Being daddy’s little girl pretty much meant that I could do no wrong and with a little sweet talk I could usually get out of my pre-dawn chores (and after school chores).  The disadvantages were that I couldn’t do anything without my brothers finding out about it and as far as dating, that was nearly impossible!  No boy in their right mind wanted to come out to the farm to pick me up with my five brothers breathing down his neck.

Because I didn’t have any sisters to hang around with during the summer I would follow my brothers everywhere.  They actually gave me the nickname “shadow” which they still call me today.   If they went four-wheelin, I went four-wheelin.  If they went fishing, I was right behind them with my pole.  After following them long enough they would finally give in and let me tag along.  Eventually I became “one of the guys.”

But it wasn’t just my brothers I would follow, my dad couldn’t get two steps from the house and I was right there wanting to go pick corn with him, fix the fences or even chop wood.  To me my dad seemed larger than life when he sat up on that John Deere tractor with his Carhartt faded bib overalls on and his John Deere hat.  He must have had twenty pairs of those bib overalls.  Between my brothers and him I’m pretty sure they single-handedly kept Carhartt in business!  No matter what the season, summer bibs or winter duck lined bibs, my dad and brothers could always be found in Carhartt overalls.

She Loves to Ride!

The best times were when we would all go four wheelin — usually in the Spring, just when all of the new landscaping and gardening was beginning.  We each had our own quad and would spend the entire day out riding the fields (and a few freshly mowed lawns too!)  My brothers had made trails through the woods and over the fields that went on for miles.  We had 100 acres so there was no problem finding a place to ride.  It was great because when we got older our friends would come over with their quads, dirt bikes and buggies and we would just take off.  We never had complaints from the neighbors because there were none!  However, we did get mom’s scolding every once in a while for forgetting to take off our muddy riding boots before running through the house.  Since mom ran the household we learned really fast not to do that anymore.

Now that I’m older and have a family of my own I still look forward to our visits back to the farm where I grew up.  My mom and dad still live there and love having all the grandkids over to feed the goats, swim in the watering hole and of course to ride the quads.  To this day my dad is still wearing his Carhartt bib overalls, still picking corn and he’s still larger than life to me!