Masks: We All Wear Them

Today I saw a child in the store wearing a surgical mask. I’m assuming the mask was to protect her from the germs of the outside world and was likely being worn because her immune system is low and unable to fight off attacks from the outside world.  In passing her I thought of the masks that I put on to protect myself from the outside world, especially when my heart is broken.  I was reminded of a time when I had let down my guard and removed all my masks to become completely vulnerable, how badly that ended, and how a certain layer of masking is required for my sanity.

In school I was always voted biggest smile, and my teachers and friends would often ask how I could be happy all the time. My smile is my biggest mask. There were times when I wanted to explain to them that I wasn’t happy all the time but as long as I was smiling at everyone I was OK.  I constantly have to convince myself that I’m OK.  In reality, I was very self conscious and insecure in school.  I strive to make everyone around me happy.  Academics always came easy to me and although I made straight A’s I would pretend that I didn’t understand all the time so that my peers wouldn’t think I was too smart.  My single mom always struggled with money and I had to get a job at a very young age, but I convinced my wealthy and spoiled friends that I just liked to work to get out of the house.  Not only were my friends wealthy compared to me they were also thin, beautiful, and popular.  I never saw myself as being as good as them, but I wore a mask that helped me fit in and convinced everyone that I was just like them.

My mother always told me that I was blessed because I could fit in with any crowd.  She said that she envied the way I could rub noses with the wealthy or go fishing with the town drunk and people of all walks of life respected and adored me.  I’ve realized that this social skill is both a gift and a curse.   During my first year of college I began to notice how extremely and frequently I changed my masks around different groups of people and how dramatically my personality changed to adapt to different situations.  I began to feel that I had somehow lost my identity within the shamble of masks that I used to please other people. I felt very confused about who I really was.   For the first time in my life, I started to search my soul and wanted to find myself.  I began to learn more about myself and I started to let other select people see the person I had found to be the real me.

I married my high school sweetheart when I was 20 years old, and he was the one person that I trusted with my life and never concealed anything from.   He was the only person that I would show any vulnerability to. Unfortunately, after 5 years of marriage and when I was 5 months pregnant my husband left me for my best friend.  I learned quickly that being completely open can cause more pain than it’s worth. I think that people have to find some sort of happy medium when it comes to masking or guarding themselves from the evil of the outside world.  I never want to be a bitter person who puts up a huge wall and never lets anyone in; however, I’ve learned that as a single mother it is important for me to guard my heart to a certain degree and be very careful about the people that I take off my masks for.